Thirteen Rabbits

there's something like a gray cloud over my head
maybe because i only got one decent meal today. (and by decent i meant rice. albeit leftovers from the day before.)

maybe im just tired.

maybe because its been over a week? i don't think........

maybe its cuz i havent had my bubble tea fix.

maybe its the impending dooooooooooom ULTIMATE SIANNESS! of having to work



pfft. and i thought i could get saturday off.

work ah work again!
tmr and the day after and the day after the day after!
ie tmr + the weekend la. i just wanted to complicate things a little.

so
been a little more hyper lately.
which means pretty soon i'll be my quiet boring self again.

well then. nothing else to report. am starting to feel a little sleepy.

hisashiburi! seems like a long time since i last updated. since......thursday. um that 3 days.
damn i really have no life.

well thats fine. for now.
i'll just come home, practise the same 2 or 3 songs (ie yurameki, slide, akuro no oka--i still havent nailed the solo)on my bass then slack the rest of the night away. just enough to keep my fingers from rusting. but still pretty pathetic. slide is like the warm up cuz its so bloody easy i could play it without tab, yurameki is to try to keep up the speed, and akuro no oka for erm... just the solo.


progress in fyp? more like stagnation. hmm can that word be used in this context or is it limited to the economy and fluids?
ARMD, cataract, solar maculopathy, climate droplet keratopathy and pterygium.

dawn expects 50 references. i am so dead. anyway out of 50 articles one reads, probably only 10 will be quoted in text.
pff
maybe i should try revising the introduction.

i guess i really am damn unlucky.
went back to school on friday for data collection. 10minutes in the machine gives up on me. i am so sad. i am devastated. mostly i am irked about the wasted trip to school. and before i start ranting about the bloody cost of public transport,


.
.
.
ah well i cant think of anything positive to say.


fyp it is.

eh eh eh eh eh
odex lost the case to pacnet ahhhhhhhhhh
pacnet downloaders safe?

WALAO STARHUB WHAT YOU DOING??!?!?!?!?!?


the way its reported, PACNET seems a lot more concerned about their customer's privacy than the other two ISPs. who probably give the impression ther attempt to protect their customers' privacy were pretty feeble.

that said i really wish there was another company to provide anime to singapore's otaku. it seems to be a monopoly with odex. no competition = sky high prices.
oh and provide digital media. instead of vcds we need to wait FOREVER to hit the stores. tho i heard thats because the japanese companies want it that way. otaku want anime immediately. in good quality. affordable too. digital is good way to go. the more competition the better. because we are talking about shows. and when its a show u probably watch it once, twice, thrice. maybe a little more. and then you don't watch it anymore. who wants to spend so much money on something like that?

i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


i just lost hours of work. hours and hours and hours of work.

i hate numbers.
i hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
now i gotta key in the stupid values all over again. over 3000.


dammitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt


see thats the problem when you use keyboard shortcuts. you just do them instinctively.
in this case instinct had all my N lenses replaced by C lenses.


so much for technology.

when you were young your parents led you to believe that
you were the

prettiest.
cleverest.
cutest.
most important
most precious

perfect in every way.

*

im feeling like im, howshouldisay, in pieces.

busy busy. and then something else.

walao. tmr need to work again. at least half day.
or else i wld be sooooooo sian

tmr. and the weekend. and the following monday, wednesday and friday? and possibly saturday and sunday?

and then 2 more weekends?

where am i gonna find time to do fyp?
and there's so many things to do too

ok someone's getting on my nerves. sorta. not in the irritating kind of way. more like ohyoucunninglittledevil. so sneaky. don't even know if that person is aware of it.

but then again
everyone is a hypocrite. myself included. sometimes im surprised by how two-faced i can be.
acting like the very people that disgust me. or that i despise.

the ones i despise especially. oh yuck. think of the person you hate most. imagine a little bit of that person in you.
doesnt that just make you want to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ok. what can you give to someone who has everything? what what what what what do you do when ' i insist ' doesnt work?

after work went to catch a movie. that was unexpected. i thought we were just gonna go for coffee or something. hm. k if there is a next time i'll try the arcade.
he he he i still say its nice to have someone drive you home.

there's this other person from opposite who's being kinda weird.

k time to sleep. i think im supposed to work tmr. im exhausted. manager says im selling too cheap. cant argue with that.

i hate how this is going nowhere

no where no where no where no where no where no where no where no where no where no where no where

but

aiyah wth. data input into excel really is such a chore. why didnt they develop the program for usbbbbbbbbbbbbbb whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,
topcon??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

this project is such a pain.
mentally and physically

sian la. friday already. tmr need to work. after going to school for stupid fyp.

see that idontwanttowork feeling has returned. god do i have to repeat this every 2 weeks????!

i see bleach 136 has been subbed. ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh but iAHAHAHAHAHA
seriously why would i wait, like, forever to buy and watch an episode of Bleach when i can get it -free- 1 or 2 days after it airs in japan?


ok now ive gotten my dose of bleach i feel better. i love ppl who upload shows to youtube. and i hate it when someone else blows the whistle on them. like what happened with Heroes. so that i had to turn to another source. ahem.

its an addiction, it is. the anime la stupid.



its gonna be a loooong night. keying in data into excel.

cool. went to ikea today.
tried this dunnowhat pear cider drink. $5.80 for 500ml sial! 4.5% alcohol only. but im so lousy, that small percentage is enough to make my ears red. hahahahaha. i really suck.

we always eat a lot when we go ikea.

sian la. tmr need to go sch at 8 to do fyp. what a marathon! i could die.

sian ah. tmr have to work again. and the day after. and half a day on monday. and manager says she might want me to relief during the weekdays too. julia the best. always take off. holiday. that girl knows how to enjoy life.

good thing is this month's pay, if i do work tmr thru monday, will be past $600.
bad thing is i will be so tired. if fyp goes thru as planned. im going to be so busy. i think i will die.

haha so drama

meh

i need to start thinking about things that i can actually do something about. instead of mulling over issues i have no control over.

meaning i need to start tackling problems instead of just 'not dealing'.
ive procrastinated on every decision ive had to make. or allowed someone else to decide for me.
and when you do stupid things like let others run your life you realise, years later, you havent grown much as a person. youre stagnant at the age u stopped thinking.
meaning i may be 19 this year. but i feel i have the mind and maturity of say, a 15 year old. all because i slacked my secondary school years away. while everyone else was grappling with awkward growingup issues and dealing with trying to make an identity for themselves i was watching from the sidelines (though sometimes i'd point and laugh. haha. but i think they may be having the last laugh now.)

so im gonna try to make up for lost time.

first i need to figure out what is it exactly thats bothering me.

i see 2 things.
work. ive gone thru this so many times. this 'problem' can be solved by just quitting my job whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. but i want the money. so. is there nothing i can do abt it?
don't even bring in suggestions like 'persevere' when i am already. i am. just grit your teeth and go to work, i tell myself. but thats so draining.

and i realise when im bothered by something i'll feel so bogged down. until the issue is resolved. at this rate i see myself feeling bogged down for the rest of the year.
and after i graduate i know i'll only feel worse.

unless i sort out what i want to do with my life. or rather, find somebody who'll want to hire me for what i'll be happy doing. which is, boring as it sounds to some people, research. at least thats what i think i'll like. something that'll take me away from dealing with people. fussy short tempered ignorant selfish beings.
but i never know for sure what i want. i ask myself that question so many times a day. usually its 'what do i want to eat'
honestly i need to start making decisions for myself. 19 is way overdue.

hm. feels a little better 'saying' that out.

man how did i get like this?
used to overthink things so bad i told myself to shut down my brain.
now i don't think at all. i feel like a dumb blonde. except im not blonde. or hot. and i think even dumb blondes know what they want to eat.
i still feel stupid though. maybe thats cuz people are better than me at everything. and when you meet people who may not know what they want to do with their life but are like, scoring staright As in school you'll still think bah, they can do whatever they want to do. cuz theyre clever. or capable of doing anything they want.

and all i feel is like i'll never be able to get a single thing right. experience tells me that much. i don' think ive ever done anything well. whatever it is i set out to do.

conclusion?
i don't like people. i need to get away from people (when it comes to work). i don't like serving people. i don't like having to make sure they are happy. i want to do what makes me happy. and im not really sure if im a team player too. cuz all ive found when doing group projects (no offence to my groupmates) is that group work slows me down. cramps my style. takes the fun out of writing. composing.

i can only say the only thing i realise im comfortable doing is writing. alone. im surprised it took me so long to realise this. when ive been keeping this blog for years. penning down...rubbish.

what satisfaction! tapping on a qwerty keyboard.
alone.
hahahahaha

why is it every day that i need to work
home suddenly seems so much more cosy
even the weather is nicer on days i HAVE TO WORK.

and then i'll have to drag myself to tampines
julia's gonna leave at the end of this month too. or something like that.
don't know how im gonna force myself to stay till the end of the year.

i wish i was a super genius

eh. im bored. holidays. thinking of stuff. i must be on a mental treadmill of sorts.
im a little reluctant to go to sleep. slightly, just very slightly, because i dont want to dream of ghosts again.

anyway
besides mulling over the fact that my life is going nowhere --- im a talentless, achievementless, worthless, cowardly lump of blubber with no goal in life --- and getting all depressed (again, ever so slightly)

there are other things to think of.
some, more immediate issues like handing in black book and clinpract assignment and then the impending painintheass data collection for fyp using a borrowed machine because the one we bought is still in japan :( that alone takes all the excitement thats left - that miniscule amount -- out of the project. whats the point of using a borrowed machine la. though come to think of it, loaned or not makes no difference to a lame-ass project.

why is everything im involved in so very useless?

oh ive been posted to nuh for hospital itp. ben's informed me that the nurses there are gonna be mean old ladies.
im terrified.

today i saw either nicholas or douglas. now i really cant tell them apart. so well cloned.
should be douglas though. he's friendlier.

jac and i were laughing at how these boys go off to camp/to serve their country. national service where boys become men. but men who still need their parents to come to pasir ris to pick them up.

this is so funny.



Josh is in australia right. land of no curry and no indian food. no roti prata or nasi briyani. not like the ones we find here anyway. missing the taste of home HUH? hahahahaha so i puncture the conversation with sudden exclamations of CURRY! like so


・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
its officialy the schholidays
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
hahah
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
no more tests
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
hahaha
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
hahahaha
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
im freeeeeeeeeee
Innocence? There is no such thing as innocence says:
good
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
TO EAT ALL THE CURRY
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
see you idnt dc
Innocence? There is no such thing as innocence says:
then come to sydny
Innocence? There is no such thing as innocence says:
i was slow on the sign out button
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
hahahhhha
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
i suppose your head's buzzing
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
with flies
・s・ﾛ ・M・・ says:
a whole swarm

gahaha i suppose it wldnt make much sense (the flies in his head). something from our previous conversation. and its not as hilarious cuz i didnt paste the whole conversation here. hahahahaha

ppl have been so cross today
wassup with that

ah yes
i didnt show up for contrast again
stupid fyp really is torture.
hontou. ms roopa called twice. said i was supposed to be there. i said no, ive changed it to tmr, cuz i want to study for ophdis (i know im not studying...thats not the point). she sounded so annoyed. even though i apologised TWICE for the mix up, she didnt even bother to cover up her annoyance when she said 'nevermind'. (i think she needs to attend Ms A's CSW class)

nevermind nevermind. drop out lorh. thats what you all said in the beginning. subjects can drop out anytime they want. its only ETHICAL.

wth la. i guess i shouldve called but i thought alex would inform you all since he was the one who wrote me down for wednesday. i still havent got to the point

the point is i am the subject. (im like, god!) i already said i want to drop out liao. didnt want to start on grating at all. but see im nice. i'll do it for your project. try to give you more complete results. and its fucking annoying when i make one mistake and you go eh, redo! and restart the test. or when the result deviates a little too much from the baseline and once again you go eh, redo!

i freakin' hate that exclamation.

show a little appreciation goddammit! especially when we're there trying to help you guys out.

one of the surefire ways to piss me off is to get mad at me before i get angry with you.

*

i don't understand why people Never take me seriously until i get upset.
is it that difficult to listen?

oh ho
all the more reason to just keep quiet all the time eh
no one pays attention to the things i say anyway.

i need to remind myself to give up on humanity.
i wouldnt say i hate humanity. i wouldnt say i hate myself.
but even on my best days i like neither.

yes! so far so good

csw test seemed ok. i stumbled a little with the phrasing of certain questions, so i guess thats a few marks off for clarity and vocabulary. :S
i summarised even tho i was the caller. i knew peggy had forgotten to summarise, so i thought if i did it first she might be prompted to do so too. ah well. wasnt too bad anyhow. suprisingly i was quite comfortable during the assessment. that helped a lot i guess

Ms A seems very... howshouldisay... interested in my height. its not the first time she's asked how tall i am, i think. hahahah. i don't even think im tall. well, just a little taller than the average singaporean, but by no means a giant right? ive seen so many girls taller than me! i don't know what to say in response to her comments hahahaha


there was this man on the train sitting next to me. he's one of those human bobbers who seriously cannot stay straight when they try to nap on the train. really. and i could tell he was trying very hard not to end up on anyone's shoulders. hahahahah it was quite funny.
lucky for me he was inclined to incline to the left. i was to his right, so no problem. then he decided to change direction.

i was like, ne? maybe i should nudge him
i was just thinking it, and i feel i shouldve just prodded him a little and said 'excuse me'
but i really shoulder-nudged him. quite hard too. HAHAHAH cuz i was thinking man he really is tired, a slight nudge might not suffice. hahahahaha and you know me when im out alone i lose my voice. its like i forget how to speak up.
anyway i think i overdid the nudge. he woke up with a start and apologised. hahahaha i just shook my head and smiled. cuz i didnt want him to think i was pissed or anything.

but whenever i rely on nonverbal stuff like these people don't notice it. they only notice that i kept silent. and think im upset or rude.

but that's that.
went to buy some bread for dinner and bubble tea to cool down in this heat.
it really is sweltering isnt it

ooh i added milo powder to my bubble tea. outcome was a lot better than the nutella incident. this one came out more like milo dinosaur. WITH PEARLS you cant beat that man.

and just now i was seriously considering sending an sms, but i thought.......................................better of it.
ne, we're friends right. an sms wouldnt hurt, but i don't know what to say.
as usual. everything just sounds so trivially corny. if you know what i mean.

i think i really need to work on my conversational skills. if i were the other party i know i would think this girl is so dao/rude. cuz the best i can come up with is a smile. and hope that they understand i am trying my best already.

*

figures. the 1800 line to a government agency is always busy.

wa i just downloaded another deathnote font. the one used in the logo?
and i found out i can override the fonts of webpages!
nice. but now its all in caps. but so deathnote-y! ryuk's handwriting font was really a little troublesome to read.


interesting.

uploaded a new song. sentimental machine by plastic tree
very nice guitar solo. VERY VERY VERY VERY nice
listen!

plastic tree's got a quite a few solos. and most of the songs are nice too. and the vocals are so dreamy hahahhaa

so irritating
as the night wears on i can feel my mood turning fouler and fouler.

i am so frustrated.

DAMN --

tests. tuesday and wednesday.
FYP stuff to do
black book to hand in. with a lot of missing signatures.
work. and always not being good enough.
the future. not knowing what i want to do after i graduate. i don't even know what i want to do in university.
not knowing what to believe when everyone tells lies like it doesnt matter.

and lastly,
(mostly), not having the courage to send an sms.

wa today made over 1k in sales.
tireeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddddddddddd

ooh and i got my payslip YAY!
\
and how come i always never understand any of xj's emails????/

waaaaaaaaaa weather is dammmmmmmmn warm sial!

where's the rain?? i hope it rains tmr! good rainy weather at least, will encourage me to set out to work.

and i hope its cold. cold cold cold that can only be brought about by rain.

pff. work. if only i was filthy rich. like rolling in cash rich.
oh well

alex says i have poor communication skills.

no, i have good communication skills. i just ...... can't find anything to say.

oh crap.
if only everyone was willing to just sit with me and you know. . stone. over a cup of coffee.

i am unapologetic! tho a tad sad i can't find anyone to stone with me
an overdose of good ol' silence and un-thinking isnt that bad, is it?

the alternative would be me being very very very straightforward and asking 'eh, you got anything to say anot? cuz i don't. :S'
and then if neither of us has anything to say we'd go back to that silence that seems to make you so uncomfortable. HAHAHAHAHAHA

hm.

oh god i really am poor company. owari da! yes go ahead and kill me.
im tryin' im tryin'
sheesh its not like these things can be learnt from books! in any case im too lazy to read.
alright maybe i'll try harder. instead of sitting out the silence.

demo, what can one say? everything sounds so cliched!

cool
today i did some active search for new jrock band to listen to
found plastic tree. band isnt new. been around over a decade.
not bad ah. music quite hmhm whattheword easy on the ears. vocals too. hahahaha bass sounds pretty simple but its upbeat. good tempo. suit the songs. doesnt sound like its being drowned out by or competing with the electric guitars.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i like that.

one time pad encryption really screwed up my second assignment.

well at least the final test wasnt too bad. 66/80. still don't know what i go wrong. stupid.
14mistakes. interesting. i swear at least 30 of the questions were guesswork. a calculated risk, nonetheless..
lecturer seemed quite surprised by my score. interesting. hahahaaha if only he knew how much i scored for second assignment. stupid encryption. why couldnt it be more shift cipher. thats really easy. one time pad. tch.
truth is one time pad is also very simple. i was just asleep when he was explaining it.

(im starting to think 'interesting' has become one of my commonlyused words)

bleach kinda fun on psp eh. hahahaha. psp not bad eh. will check out psp slim when it comes out in a few months.

no school till tuesday! (CSW oral test *gag*)
then ophdis test on wednesday (*gaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggg*)
then freedom! FREEEEEEDOM!

oh shit. stupid paper of signatures we're supposed to hand in with black book. still so signature-less.

i rushed the stupid clinpract pediatric optometry summary. not sure how to format it. wrote it with a conclusion and all. 800 words. does that mean i must revise it?

maybe omit the whole chunk on contact lenses?

im gonna sleep in tmr! suhhhhwwwwwwweeeeeetttttttttt.
or rather im gonna try. i always pop out of bed at 7am thinking 'shitamilateforschool?!' check the time then realise noschooldammitbacktobeditis.

it is always so cold in the morning.

llooook i got bored and took the stupid DN personality test AGAIN
imustve done this at least 5 times.

Near is kinda boring lei... i prefer L. or Light. or Ryuk.
i used to get Ryuk. what happened to Ryuk?