Thirteen Rabbits

i cant wait for week 7 to be over! then, 3 week break! OOOOH sweeeeeeeeeet
okok. back to reality.
today has been filled with exclamations of SHIIIIIIIIIIT!! followed by either one of the following

• i should be studying!!
• where did i write the practical time slots!???? which lecture notes?? NOOOOOOO
• why do i rmb one thing and forget another????????????????? and i keep mixing things up, like the contraindications/indications for doing Goldman and Gonioscopy.
• i ate so much today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because i had a terrible case of the munchies, which im guessing had sth to do with trying to cover the taste of bad shiitake.

yea, my life is spiffy.

i hope i find whoever is hanging on to the practical timetable la. wth. don't be selfish! return it to raymond already!!!!

anyways, after tmr morning's 0% visual optics test, i can return the very cheem visual optics book which i borrowed but havent had a chance to read. sorry lor! the book i really need is Shwartz's Clinical Visual Perception! although thats a totally different module... i must say, i kind of understand why dr zhu gets so excited over calculations.. i had that feeling too when doing Amaths in secondary school...

that doesnt make us any less nerdy ...

is it just me or was it easier to remember things when i was in sec sch? am i getting old?

walao eh. tmr's visual optics test is 0% weightage! ZERO!
but everywhere i turn everyone's telling me 'zero % still cannot fail too badly mah'
OMG! whyyyyyyy
PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!!
RELAX A BITTTTTT
IT IS ZERO PERCENT!!

it is making me feel so bad!
the whole day today ive been feeling like something's a bit off. don't know why. something isnt sitting right in my gut. i feel like eating something, but i don't really have an apetite. i feel a little nauseated. i feel like resting. but i need to study!

cus got instrumentation test on tuesday, which is 15%! FIFTEEN PERCENT!!!

NOT ZERO PERCENT!!!!

WALAOOOOOOOOOOOO
WASSSSSSSSUP WITH EVERYONE???????????????????

urgh. this class leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

that, or i ate some bad shiitake. :(

cheh. i thought that was as bad as life gets. i was naive! every year im intruduced to a new low.

this morning was so hot and humid! damn!
it was horrible
and then today's practical, more dilation of eye. oh the world is such a glaring place.
if uve never had your eyes dilated, it is quite a psychedelic experience, i'd say. cuz lightcolored/white things glow. they are so bright they glow. like some kind of heavenly whatever.
i think im going to fail pract exam la. GAT and funduscopy. hai.

i wonder how many hours i spend sleeping.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
well come to think of it, maybe not that much. if i sleep 4 hrs at night, take a 2-3 hr nap in the day
thats just a total of ~7hrs right?

kk. not that bad...

napping between 5-7 feels so good..

lunch and dinner was curry chicken. gah. enough curry chicken!
i got breakfast cereal craving...

oh no. i say karma doesnt exist, but i still fear retribution. because i said some pretty mean things today. i don't know when i started making jokes at the expense of others. :X sorry!

*hits self* ok. i must resist making mean jokes.

went to huiying's bbq/21st birthday chalet just now. ate a lot! a lot a lot! costa sands is crawling with cockroaches! cuz ppl have barbeques outside and everything.

im feeling very guilty i did not get any revision done today. i knew i shouldve! but i just didnt feel like it! and i just realised i HAVENT TOUCHED VISUAL OPTICS! SHIT! thats the worst module. hand in hand with PSYCHOPHYSICS! SHIT!

i kept thinking, i'll study in the afternoon. afternoon i spent looking at clothes and boots and stuff. crap man. crap.

ok. 2am already. practical at 9 tmr. which means waking up at 6am. another night of 4-hr sleep.

awesome school free day. i wasnt in the mood to study, so i was back at that ebay store.

for some amazing reason, my appetite has been pretty lousy lately! Yay!
and for some miraculous reason, i got more and more hyper as the day passed. the 2 slices of tuna + bread i had at 6am lasted me till 5pm! although i had a hazelnut frappe in school...
andddd i had a mango for dinner. hahahaha + a cup of tea + slice of pineapple + slice of sponge cake!

i managed to stay awake for the whole day of lessons today! 8am to 4pm leh! with 2 one-hour breaks in between la. could it be that not eating keeps me awake? digesting food makes me lethargic?

no sch again tmr! sweet!

oh no! i was going to study, but as i mentioned in my previous post, i got too stressed and looked for a way to relax. and i found a visual kei ebay store and i ended up browsing thru almost everything!
i love the boots, the jackets, and the super impractical tops
oh and ESPECIALLY the jewellery and hmmmm GLOVES AND ARMWARMERS!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA
i love how everything the pieces just 'fall over'. u know? like, flowy and lacy and BLACK and... ripped... hoohohoohohohoo

er. not that i can buy anything. cuz 1) too expensive 2) singapore is too hot for vkei 3) i cant wear them to school cuz people will laugh at me 4) getting old :(

but if i happen to go taipei i might not be able to resist getting some impractical.... jewellery? boots? jackets?

i know 5 years down the road this will probably be one of the things i regret passing up on. hooo~
:(

at least now i am feeling less stressed ^^ eh, and in no mood to study. AHAHA

under pressure.
hai. stress la stress.
next week got a lot of tests. and got pract test somemore.
:( :(
i am feeling very stressed!
it is making me consume a lot of sugar.
breakfast i had kutumayam. so thats lots of brown sugar.
lunch i had mangosteens and a mango. supersweet mango. thats another load of sugar
and just now i had coco chex or whatever it's called. and thats more sugar!
:(

for the past hour
i have noticed a black ant exploring my desk. it is slightly annoying. but i don't fancy 'dirtying' my finger by killing it.

hai.
stressed.
nothing seems to be going in.

now, i am so afraid i will oversleep on the train. i make it a point to tell myself, before i fall asleep, to REMEMBER TO WAKE UP!!!! it helps you know. if i were to fall asleep thinking, ah, great, sleep... i am sure to sleep past my stop.
unfortunately
it means i wake up 2 times before i reach my destination, or i take a peek every few stops just to check where i am. :(

ooh. speaking of naps, someone wearing heels stepped on my poor toe today. and i was wearing sandals. ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. as if my fourth toe is not crooked enough! :(

hai. i am letting little things bother me.

the pressure of the looming tests is keeping me from concentrating on revision. which is one big WTF!! and then i worry somemore, and it makes everything worse.
it makes me very cranky. i am very cranky. argh maybe i shld meditate or something.
what did i used to do when i was feeling stressed anyway?

god i really need a mute button right now.

today we bought mangoes! they were sold by weight, but we ended up with 5 mangoes @ ~3.50 SGD! sweeeeeet deal right? hahahahaha

ate so much again today! the prata over there is quite good! breakfast also very cheap! hahah roti prata and teh and kutumayam and nasi lemak and jukueh! hahahahahaha! but not all eaten by me la.
and then we did some grocery shopping at tesco. at 830am -_-
where we bought the almost 2kg of mangoes, 2 huge pineapples, and a bunch of fried chicken thigh/drumsticks/fried squid (just the tentacles bit) and a box of coco chex FOC one box of coco pops! ha ha ha ha ha! wth. hanarh. why am i eating such a kiddy cereal? sweet mah. hahahah i got sweet tooth. mangoes are very sweet, no?

we saw one of those huge moths at the parking lot. it had half of its right wing clipped. poor thing couldnt fly anymore. and it was hopping around flapping 1 and a half wings. a very sad sight. it was such a pretty thing too!

i am very tired. almost feels like im going to fall sick soon. must be from eating so much junk.
hopefully it gets better tomorrow, or everyone will think i got swine flu. hah!

the weekend just flies by, doesnt it? 2 days is not enough anymore. damn. i didnt even study.

*

i feel like people are treating me like an idiot.
i know i am quite the airhead at times
i can be super oblivious to things, have a slow processing speed and say stupid things
but don't assume i don't know anything lei.
because i still have intuition.

baaaaastard!
early morning and i thought of a bastard. i really want to punch him. it's a great pity im the kind of person who does things in her head and not in life.

ahem. i suppose u can say im someone who holds grudges then, because this incident happened 5months ago. i suppose i *might* find it in myself to forgive him if he comes clean about it, but he hasnt and doesnt intend to (not unless i confront him) so i will keep bashing him in my head.

i don't usually talk about how a person should be but some very high-priority things on that list are
1. respecting another's privacy
2. being honest and not sneaking around
3. sincerity. especially not speaking fancy words because thats being very manipulative (i guess this is another form of honesty)

and this person fails on 3 counts! 3 very serious counts! the moral police would categorise these as felonies.

if u have to sneak around, it means youre doing something you shouldnt be doing, right? wtf.
tells me shit about your character! shit. you are shit! and shit you for annoying me so early in the morning!
but alright. going through my stuff is one thing. i could overlook this tiny tiny detail. OR MAYBE NOT. BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU BETRAYED MY TRUST. fucktard! don't you value trust? guess not!

and then the pretty things that come out of your mouth. except i don't find them pretty at all. ANYONE who has to resort to flowery language IS SHIT! so fuck you! i really wonder why some girls fall for guys who say corny shit! especially when they say it to anyone other than their girlfriends! it is so fake, it's disgusting. and this is on a different level than brain puree!

words are not supposed to be thrown around so easily. you insult me, you insult all females on earth, and you insult the english language. congratulations, i don't accuse people of insult much. youre the first, and 3 times too! what a feat!

3 more felonies. u should be executed! actually, u insulted my family as well. thats worse than insulting me. thats a cardinal sin, even the devil would punish you.

i REALLY ought to do something about that! in my head, ive progressed to slapping your face around with a staff. grrr.

see you in hell.

i change my mind. i think i will voice my opinion. because u committed a cardinal sin. i should be ashamed of myself if i don't defend my family. it may be several months late, but who cares

but that will have to wait till i get back from msia. knn. spoil my mood first thing in the morning...

do i really need to know the nervous system comprise central, peripheral, somatic and visceral?




oh. revolting!
it is sort of pretty, but not really..because it is so orange. or so spotty. :S
speaking of pretty things.

i dreamt i was shooting little 2-feet tall dinosaurs. there was a 5metre tall herbivore somewhere along, but 1. why would i shoot a herbivore 2. it's a huge beast la! a puny pistol won't feel more than pinpricks 3. it looked so cute. sort of.

but the little dinosaurs... even shooting them once or twice also won't die one. sian! it is worse than that jurassicpark shooter at the arcade!

okok. im just silly.

must be dehydration.

wonderful.
i had a most satisfying nap in the evening.
probably slept from 5 to 9. hahahahaha
the wind was quite cool. in my sleep i was thinking, waaaaaaaa so niceeeeeeee! did i switch on the air con? but realised it wasnt cold enough or strong enough or noisy enough to be the AC. and then i woke up and thought, eh? why is it all dark? is it morning? what am i doing here? do i have school? what time is it? what day is it?
took my brain a few seconds to catch up with reality.
HAHAHAHAHAHA

i am slightly pleased with myself because i actually did my visual optics tutorial. not sure if the answers are right, but whatever la!

quiz week is in a fortnight.
pract test too! :S slit lamp funduscopy and Goldmann applanation tonometry :S :S :S :S

time flies. almost half a semester gone!

i am listening to blink182! so long since i last listened to their songs!! so so so so long
i was playing some old songs from my very old file of tabs (not guitarpro leh!) actual tabs! and saw the blink tabs and played them a little and suddenly felt like listening to them again. ok.

i had forgotten how catchy their tunes were.

i should be studying.

anyway today practical was about slit lamp funduscopy and binocular indirect ophthalmoscopy.
i am such a noob.very very noob. it took more time to get through the pupil than when i was learning direct ophthalmoscopy. but it is quite cool, cuz now i don't have to wink. binocular mah! and the FOV for BIO is HUGE! but my arm gets tired. and i get a lot of shittyreflex from the macular region. shitty reflex dammit.
oh. magnification very much lower with these 2 techniques. feels weird. like im not close enough.

hai.
so noob.

*

haiya. sian. im thinking of something. it isnt an emo kind of thing.

do people keep friends because they are 'useful'. would anyone befriend another to give more than to receive? hm. there wasnt a subject called 'friends 101' in school. and no one told me what a friend is supposed to be like. what a friend shld do, act, say.
i don't really know.

what is the definition of friend?

oh. i just remembered something else.
when i was in secondary school, i told myself not to think too much. so i ignored many many things. and i missed out on many things. more importantly, i missed many life lessons. i missed opportunities to develop character and um, communication skills. those sorta things. i feel like im about as mature as i was back then. that's bad.
so many times i find myself speechless. more often i find myself not knowing how to act in a certain situation so i just 'drop out' like an idiot while my mind gets filled with static.

the voice in my head has a new word to throw at me.
dolt.

oh such horrible hellish weather.

and the never ending school work. a mountain of notes thats constantly growing higher every day.

this school-free day passed so quickly.
what have i been doing?
besides watching anime and studying. or trying to study. or eating.

hai.

never ending. i also get the feeling
the more i study, the more confused i get. and i can feel my brain seems to be starting to hurt. oh dear.

don't get confused!
the magno pathway goes to layers 1 and 2 of the LGN, and then to 4C alpha of the visual cortex.
the parvo pathway goes to layers 3, 4, 5 and 6 of the LGN, and proceeds to 4Cbeta of the visual cortex.

so many layers.

lets not forget

layers 1, 4 and 6 of the LGN take contralateral fibers.
layers 2, 3 and 5 of the LGN take ipsilateral fibers.

fried tofu for dinner! with onions and chili! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
tau kwa!!!!!!!!1

hmm i seemed to be in the middle of researching something important.
in between playing Scratch and Win on FB and reading Confoscan 4's product information, i've forgotten what that important thing is.

oh well.

today has been a miraculous day. the miracle was that i didnt fall asleep in class! miracle! miracle! miracle! and i didnt even sleep on the train! miracle miracle miracle! third, i managed to borrow Perception (a book). it is a lot more student-friendly than Shwartz's Visual Perception.
and the great thing is i managed to find the chapter that Dr Zhu was teaching today. about the LGN. sweet. i love that book. and it's got more up-to-date information than Visual Perception, cuz VP was published in 1994 while Perception was hmmm acquired by the library in March 2009 and VP seemed to be missing the part about Konio pathway/cells (or maybe i didnt read it thoroughly).

SWEET. we love new books.

i shall stop talking about books now, cuz it makes me feel like a nerd.

hai.don't know whats wrong.
im so sleepy. i can't stay awake in class. before i realise it, my handwriting has trailed off into some illegible scribble mid-word.
i get headaches every other day. i get headaches trying to stay awake.
im running out of nurofen. next time go msia must buy more.
just now someone had to wake me up when the train reached pasir ris and i was still dozing.
ah. a bit embarressing. mostly because the guy was eerrrrrr little bit good looking. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

i feel sorry for mr ng for having a student like me.
he asked which pupillary reflex the information from the edinger westphal nucleus were responsible for
and all i could come up with at the time was '....i wasn't listening' and he gave me a sort of disappointed look. oops. uh, it really bothers me when i disappoint people.
even though i was looking at him like i was paying attention.
well, i was listening actually. i heard him. but he spoke so fast and so full of long words, i couldnt process all that fast enough, so i had no answer.
or maybe the question wasnt phrased in a complicated way, im just REALLY bad at pupillary pathways. so im REALLY slow. it's like how i never got visual perception, like how i never understood statistics, or blood supply of the eye, or nerve innervation, or neuroanatomy..
:(

the answer to his question was, by the way, the consensual reflex. now i will never forget that.

i think next time he asks me something, i'll ask for 50-50 or poll the audience.

these days i feel like a failure. my self-esteem has hit rock bottom. everyone in class is so fierce when it comes to studying. i feel like i should put in more effort. im trying to put in more effort, but im so sleepy...
and i feel so incompetent, because it seems no matter how hard i try, nothing goes in. i feel as dense as a block of wood. :(
when i get a seat on the train, i will fall asleep. when i don't get a seat on the train and have to stand, i have no mood to study, cuz it's so unstable la.
hai.

dammit. lack of control. so very annoying. very soon i shall become frustrated.
i don't know what i can do to be less sleepy. it isnt about not getting enough sleep at night (i think). this drowsiness comes and goes. u know, diurnal cycle, u know u know u know? it is so strong i cant fight it. i need a shot of adrenelin.

i posted this on my FB, but i felt like posting it here too. hah

i was daydreaming. i was imagining a place i could spend my life in. (dreaming about ryutaro and just doing pleasant, imaginary things.)


first, there is a soft dirt path.
lined by a row of coniferous trees on each side.
beyond that, fields of tender grass. every blade warm to the touch.
to the south, blue mountains rise out of the ground like a fence
every breath is cool and refreshing and renewing.
the sky is blanketed by wispy cirrus clouds, pushed along slowly by a gentle breeze like a mother encouraging a shy child.
occasionally, it gets misty - the clouds descend to play with the earth.
the sunrises are quiet and nudges the fragile morning mist away. and the sunsets a mosaic of warm hues, as if a painter had dropped his palette on the canvas which was the sky.
when the sun rests,the night sky of darkest black is sprinkled with countless stars that twinkle and smile and laugh. and beckon you to join.every day passes like a wind-up toy. a seamless transition of day to night. and night to day.

here, everything moves slowly.
it is a place where time is irrelevent.
a detached place.

that is what i have been seeing in my mind's eye these past few days.

hai. this anime addiction is... its not getting overboard to the point i will become dysfunctional without it, but it is so bad i check animeseason.com every 2 hours or so.
or, if i have nothing to do, i look for new anime to watch.

note to self: i am currently watching

• asura cryin
• 07 ghost
• bleach
• fullmetal alchemist brotherhood
• hatsukoi limited
• higashi no eden
• K-ON
• kateikyoshi hitman reborn
• saki
• naruto

instead of doing something productive like studying, or even something healthy like exercising... or housework or whatever.
i can see that my face has gotten rounder. and i am not exaggerating. i am a realist. i am being realistic.

hai.

hoo.

so soon gonna be monday again. time flies. it really does.

just as mist is cloud on land, clouds are mist in the sky. and rain is cannibalistic water vapour.

i dunno why my head just comes up with ridiculous stuff like that.

i wish i had enough money to afford little luxuries like PLASTIC TREE'S NEW SINGLE T_T
i could buy it, but i can't afford it. tch.
i want a military jacket lei. stupid.

my favorite food of late are tomatoes, cheese and mushrooms prepared with a sinful amount of butter.
a most delectable combination.

another totally random thing
i love love love love love love love love love love love love the songs Replay and Balloon! ahhhh....

went to JB today. bought almost 3kg of tomatoes. can u believe that? it was 99sen/kg la! hahahaha half price!
since today go jb le, it means i am free for paintball tmr, but i think if i tell andy i can go now he will kill me. hoo~
hai.

i rearranged the furniture in my room. hmmmm there's only so many configurations.

right now i am feeling a little off. not sure why. but, at least, listening to ryutaro brings some comfort.
every time i listen to 'Dolly' and get to the part where he sings 'ame no nioi' or 'kiri no nioi' i get a strange isolated kind of feeling. maybe it's the smell of rain and grey skies. is sort of lonely and sad but calming too.

that's the pic from PT's new soon-to-be-released single. ah ryutaro cut his hair. akira got a goatee? and tadashi's hair has grown so long! and bucchi has been replaced by a post is very conspicuously missing :(

hey is that a barn owl? creepy faced fowl? :S

i am here out of habit. because i feel that i need to update. even though i don't have anything to say.
i slacked a lot today. screening. i did dispensing instead of 'clinic'. haha. said a lot of crappy things.

ive changed a lot over the years. i say things i would never even imagine saying when i was in secondary school. some good, lots of bad. lots of crappy. and then some more bad stuff. ah. i am such a horrible person.

my left eyelid is like got half ptosis la. the levator muscle tired or something -_-

oh i digressed.

i have become a little less shy, but a lot more of a hypocrite. it would be nice, in a naive sense, to be as simple as i was before. actually i consider myself a simple person now, but back then i was at a different level altogether. a whole different level of naivety. 5 years. 10 years. makes a lot of difference.

when i was 5 or 6 i was worried the kettle would boil over and burn down the house.
when i was 12 i was sad that i couldnt gain acceptance.
when i was 15 i was ..... awkward and shy and confused and vowing to shut everyone out.
when i was 20 i was /am ... a hypocrite. a coward. very lacking in social skills. have no idea what i want to do. what i can do. what i should do. and having very little faith in the future.

hm. i feel like a corrupted harddrive. full of rubbish. lost files. useless data.

i quite wish i could go back to the carefree days of childhood. quite and not very much so. because at that moment i remembered, as a child, i was about as at ease as a petrified neville longbottom.

well
at least in the past, my biggest worry was not being able to fall asleep at night. the biggest irony was this fear was what kept me awake.

it sucks to worry about the future. every single thing that bothers me, in some way is related to the future.

such a pain in the ass.

what a long practical. even though the whole morning i just sat there and let people shine bright lights into my dilated eye. good thing it was cloudy today. nonetheless it was still a little glaring. i was walking with my face screwed up and eyes squinting (and worried i was gonna walk into something cuz my eyes were just slits and i couldnt see the road clearly so i was crossing it halfhoping drivers will be looking out for a halfblind pedestrian) so much while walking back from the train station my head hurt by the time i reached home.
i don't really know how long mydriacyl knocked out my accommodation for, but it didnt make much of a difference cuz with the residual accommodation + my uncorrected myopia, i only had trouble focusing on things nearer than 15cm. hah.

doctor who came today was quite nice. but i suspect he doesnt like me cuz he pulled on my lids for so long and i wanted to blink so badly!!!!!!!!!!! T_T
maybe he doesnt like me cuz when he asked 'whats the difference between +78D and +90D?' and i mumbled '12dioptres' hahahahaha
the correct answer was magnification and field of view la.

tmr got screening again. sian. somemore got 3 hour break in between. hai.

it's alright.

i found new anime to watch. ive been watching it the whole day since i got back.
Persona trinity soul! awesome show la. animation itself not bad. drawing also very nice. and no fillers! w00t!

urgh. i bet psychophysics will be my worst subject. all the other modules i can understand, but psychophysics just goes over my head. i look at the slides and i can't link anything together. i look at the notes and still, nothing. i read the textbook and come up with zilch.

zenzen wakaranai!!!!!!!!!!!

ive been staring at the notes for 15 minutes and i STILL don't know where to start.
T_T

it all seems so abstract. i can't deal with abstract!!

oh my godddddddddddddddddddddddddddd i am going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee\\

*

well i'll wait 5 minutes and see if a miracle happens

today i made tomato soup! hmmmmmm yummmmmyyyy
it is sweet and tangy heheheheeheh i love mushed up tomatoes!
jac u shld try making tomato soup! 5 tomatoes make one bowl! (i cheated and used canned tomatoes + 2 fresh ones) i also added a little milk at the end so it tasted a little milder. supposed to blend the whole thing so it's all mushy, but skip that and u get extra chunky soup!

every day my toes bother me. day before yesterday were the toes on my left foot. yesterday was the right foot. today it is the left foot again. my crooked crooked ugly toes.urghhhhhhhhhh i wish i didnt have such big feet!!!!! why are my feet so humongous???? it is a pity i don't swim, i'd probably be pretty good!

ah. i kind of miss swimming. hm. actually i enjoyed diving to the bottom of the pool. cuz it feels like my eardrums gonna burst and everything's just pressing down on you. (even though the bottom of the pool is only 1.5meters deep la! hahahaha) and also, no one else is around (no one bothers to swim at the bottom), and there are no irritating splashes.. and it is (somewhat) quiet down there. and it seems so seperate from the chaotic world above..
hai.

i have 15 tabs open on internet explorer, im running a handful other applications and switching between all of them regularly and im waiting for my laptop to crash from the stress of it all :)

im surprised it hasnt la.

i have 6 library books on my left. as if im such a bookworm. hahaha
but we can borrow 15 books at once! so cool.
no, don't ask why im getting excited by this new discovery.

ah. i am probably feeling pleased with myself because ive got 700 words down. an average of 200 a day, which isnt too bad. im aiming for 1000, cuz that's just nice 3 pages. :D

farnsworth hundred hue. with a neutral density filter over our eyes. thats what we did for psychophysics pract on friday

as we got more tired (hundred hue leh, dun play play) our results got worse.

and also, the lighting was not great la. tch. they say to buy a 100hue test is quite expensive. :S

no one stuck the starting caps down leh, and my 85th cap (which is also the zero-th cap) i got wrong. ie, cap 84 was on 85.

does that mean my 85 / 0 is 84th and the difference is 86? HAHAHAHa

the 360 plot looks like an amoeba! especially in the blue regions. i think i did that set last.

*
oh ya. i don't think ive mentioned this. i think there's a lamp in clinic/lab that my sister would really like. just cuz it's called the Burton lamp. i think the only similarity it shares with the (Tim) Burton works is that it's quite dark. kekekekeke.

i think ive actually seen Nightmare before christmas! but i don't remember when...

oh yaaaaaa the new pract labs we did the student screening in is a new one right
even RAF rule is new! it's very tight! and the chairs can recline really far back hahahahaha

if i m not mistaken, next thursday instrumentation pract is slit lamp funduscopy. i think we are using dilating drugs? i hope it will be a rainy day! a dark and overcast day! cuz i got no sunglasses :( and pract ends at noon.

my eyes have been feeling quite itchy recently. pray it is just dryness. .......
ah i doubt that. hahaha

in the past 10 years
ive kept so many things to myself i think ive become quite dull. im so easily swayed by others, i don't have any opinion if i had to think of it independently.
20% of the time my mind is blank. 30% of the time my mind is filled with static. 45% of the time im hounded by bipolar thoughts, and the last 5% of the time im blogging.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ok.

to be (quite) honest, i can't get over the fact that im so insignificant. tch. it leaves me feeling like a miserable little ant flailing in 1mm-deep water.
im so insignificant against the blazing brightness of the stars in the sky.
im so insignificant on this earth that's teeming with people.
im so insignificant in this tiny island of a country.
im so insignificant in my very small, very old, very uncool school.
im so insignificant in my course, which has only 51 students.
im so insignificant among my circle of friends, who don't even bother to contact me unless something comes up.


i wonder if it's because people find me unpleasant? something must be wrong, that's all i can think of.

i can't even ascertain what the hell it is i am feeling. a mix of annoyance, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, helplessness, acceptance

i wonder when i started to shut people out. i wonder when i started getting used to shutting myself out. or perhaps, in the beginning, i just wasnt able to do otherwise.

i rather not believe in karma
but i try to do a little bit more. i try to stand in the other person's shoes and i think what i would like myself to do.

i do that because some of the people i met recently (or not so recently?) showed me that, and i realised how nice it felt to be on the receiving end.

every day i look for meaning. for motivation. a reason.

i tell myself i should be happy with what i have.

momentarily, a comforting thought.

and then it is driven out.

sometimes im torn between using 'i' and 'we', or 'you' or dropping the whole thing altogether.
i don't really like using 'i' cuz it's so overused. i hesitate (see, there it is again) to use 'we' cuz it sounds like i have multiple personalities, although in those cases im really referring to 'we' friends/classmates etc. 'you', similarly, sounds like i have a personality disorder.

anyway~...

this week's statistics quiz is teh best. 2 question only. and all i had to do was type in 12 pairs of numbers, followed by =correl(select x, select y) [enter]
i tried to do it with a calculator, but i couldnt get an answer. and i dunno how to use the correlation function on it either. whats the point ?!?!

gah.

i have been working on the confocal microscopy report. after 24 hours (including time i was sleeping la) i have a little more than 400 words down. ive read more than a handful of articles and im almost running out of things to say. ..............
mainly cuz it is group work. technically all 3 of us are dealing with different kinds of confocal microscopy, but im sure there's gonna be a lot of overlap, especially between laser systems and spinning disc systems. and i am super confused. pfffft.

ive kept my laptop running the whole day. im surprised it hasnt melted. to think im running so many applications too! hahahahah

i wonder where everyone is. my msn list of online contacts is surprisingly short tonight.

wow. so cool. i was reading this book, multi-modaility microscopy and came across a 3D picture! er remember when we learnt about stereopsis and if u cross your eyes to fuse the 2 side by side images into one, it will appear to pop out of the page! hahahahaha
it is SOOOO pretty! even thought it is just a bunch of.. 'rat hippocampus with nuclei stained by acriflavin'
hahahaha ok i should stop. i can feel a headache coming on...

no one to talk to la. damn sian. but then its not like im very free either.

had a very satisfying time playing bass. it lasted only a very short while, but cuz very very very long nv pick up already so still feel very shiok. somemore play until fingers burning! er as in the muscle la. cuz very out of practice. HAHA.
hai. the cable really dying on me. everything is dying on me. hai.

oh kay.

i spent 1 hour writing 194 words. haha perhaps i have been affected by Zen when it comes to doing reports. he and his 0.001%. hahaha
ok la. to be fair to myself, i was reading 4 different articles in that 1 hour also. cuz researching mah. and i deleted 2 paragraphs of what i'd originally typed!
it is all quite interesting, reading about confocal microscopy, even though i will probably never use or need to use it.

gah. eyes turning into slits again.

i need to visit the library again. :\

oh. ive been so preoccupied lately i didnt realise it was friday already! one week passed so quickly!

oh ho! im glad i still know how to perform retinoscopy! hehehe

welchallyn handle! stupid! i want a new one! maybe i shld have bought the japanese or keeler models

poetic tragedy is a nice song.

ah. today is another 'just tired' day.

eye screening was ok. first student very nice. second got bochup attitude. and i only managed to screen 2 students in 2 hours. i am....BLOODY SLOW!!!

there's a new um sort of cafe sort of study area on the (what used to be an empty square) just next to the main library. i had a hazelnut latte there today. it is niceeeee. reminds me of all the coffee we had in NZ! hahaha same taste !! except no hazelnut shot la. and no fancy foamy pattern. and no cool barista knocking knocking knocking, just...normal people. -_- and no fancy leaf pattern at the top.

anyway students are like monkeys.

omg omg omg omg omg
feeling antsy cuz of the eye screening tmr. ok. there's only 3 students to screen. it's only a bunch of routine stuff including ret, refraction, confrontation, pupillary rxn, ocular motility, covertest...

no biggie.
just that i havent been exposed to that since i left poly 1.5 years ago T_T
and refraction also havent touched in ~8 months! T_T omg, has it been that long since i went to NZ?

T_T

i don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight.

didnt get much studying done today. haha. no mood. wth. i had to relearn confrontation.
cant believe i have to do something so awkward and embarressing...

oh ho. i made a strange kind of pizza crust/flat bread kinda thing. hm it is just strange and buttery. HAHAHAHA it is strange because i did not follow the recipe. it was quite an important step also. HAHAHAHA
but can still be lunch for tmr la!

shiok. practical just now was fun. Applanation tonometry with the perkins tonometer. fun because it's so fast to do la. hahahahaha spent a lot of time chitchatting
oh but i gave a huge corneal abrasion to my lab partner. she was my first subject for the day mah. and it was my first time using perkins mah. i don't have a surgeon's hands, unfortunately. oh ho, but when the supervising ophthalmologist did perkins on my eye, it was DAMN STEADY la!
really got difference sial.

today i found out why chris keeps calling me shaolin. he really thought my chinese name is shaolin -_- (i then told him my chinese name is actually xiao ling) and he was all 'why u nv correct me???' followed by 'why your name xiao but person not xiao' -_-
haha. the irony of life.

well it is the english spelling of my chinese name (sort of), so it's not exactly wrong....right?

i just found out

when i rest my elbow (and forearm) on the table
and if i hit the middle of my upper arm where the bone is
it produces a very loud hollowish thump . HAHA! it is quite amusing.

so i took a very nice nap in the evening. is it going to be a daily thing i do? nap?

and when i woke up, had dinner, my eyes no longer crossed and i could concentrate better.

feels so good.

but now, i am feeling a little bit sleepy again.

what the hell. do i only have a 3 hour period of alertness a day?

krrr. my eyes are so tired. why why why cant school spoonfeed me?
whyyyyyyy just because we are now uni studentsssssss
leaving it to self study means i will NEVER finish anything
there is no end! :(

i am so sick of feeling tired and groggy and ohhhhhhh plain horrrrrible
it is so difficult to keep my eyes focused! :(

so frustratingggggggggggg i can't even study properly :(

urgh. bad ergonomics. stiff shoulders. headache. damn.
i feel terrible no matter how i shift :@

*

changing my email is like taking on a new identity.
no one remembers who 'that person' with that (old) email was.
so no one knows who this fella with the new email is either, even though MY FREAKING NAME IS RIGHT THERE IN THE EMAIL address.

HALLO? WTF?

people keep msging me
"Who are you?"
and my fingers will be poised over the keyboard as i wonder how to answer such a stupid question.
no point saying my name, because
1. it is in my email for all to see
2. if u don't recognise the name in the email address, it doesnt matter who i am now, does it?
3. because even if we managed to establish who i am, YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME!

so,
what to do?

since the question is not really who i am, but who am i to you (the asker).
so i ask them, what's your name? (because usually ive forgotten who they are too)
and go on from there.

a lot of times i just delete that contact afterwards. cuz, what's the point right?

it was also a reminder of how very forgettable i am.
it is almost a gift, man. sometimes i believe i can kill someone and get away with it, cuz no one would remember i was there/existed. hah!
i have absolutely no presence -_-
like a ghost?

and im not even trying to keep a low profile?
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
on one hand it means i ..
1. don't leave an impression on people at all
2. am very forgettable
3. don't mean anything at all.

nonetheless
i shall take this positively and say it is a gift.
because the less people care about you, the less they will bother about u. (cuz ure just not worth the energy la) and i think i could avoid a lot of flak like that. it might also mean if i ever get a job, i will never be promoted, cuz the boss will never notice me -_-

but hey, i could be a great spy! if i was just more charming and persuasive.. haha!

crap. have i got the short end of the straw or something?
*

so every week got new E-lesson on Data Handling Skills aka Statistics.
this week we finally reach paired t test and all that.

this week i officially declare: Statistics was definitely written by aliens.

i can do the calculations and all. a monkey could. but i don't understand how these formulae will prove if something is significant or not. it is all sailing over my head.

i tried to sleep at 830.
i thought it was at least 10?
as u can see, it failed.
when my eyes are closed, my mind works extra hard.

i could push all that fuzz into the background if i busy myself here, but my eyes are so tired.

pffft.

is there such a thing as a happy hat? one that inteferes with brainwaves? so i can stop thinking rubbish and go to bed? cuz i am so tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and so very frustrated.

*

i was on the train today, preoccupied with the usual rubbish. i didnt really feel like playing PSP games, but just listening to the mp3 wasnt enough to keep my mind from wandering. and i didnt even wanna try reading my lecture notes cuz i was so tired already.

i feeeeeeeeeeeeeel like ripping my brain out.

it is like being forced to listen to a recording of all that's wrong with yourself and the bleakness of it all, and someone left the player on repeat. and its been playing for the past few days. i wanted to hit something. it felt so real, i was surprised. for a moment i worried that someday i might unknowingly cross the boundary between imaginary and reality.

bah. that probably wouldnt happen.

it is most ... unpleasant, not having control. i could say im nearing the edge, but i probably could take another nudge. and then some. haha. somehow when it comes to crap like this, i manage. even though it takes a toll.

i don't know what happens next.

on the bright side, i could say im taking a walk on the path to appreciating the upsides of life. because the deeper tha valley, the higher the peak, right?

it is only monday, after a 3-day break
and i am exhausted.

went to Johor again on sunday. i do a lot of sleeping in the car. it is just so conducive for sleep.

when i got back i was so tired (which is surprising, since i sleep most of the time anyway) i didnt even have the energy to chat. hah. sorry to those ppl who messaged me on MSN la! it was all i could do to type 1-word replies.

even now my eyes are half shut. the tea i had just now was no use. i have to force myself to stay awake or i'll never get anything done. :(

*

these couple of days, and especially today, have been :\ days.
i am mostly frowning when im on my own.
because i have been unable to shake off some very bothersome thoughts.
add tiredness
equals one very cranky person.

oh ho.
first time! i got thumb cramp. it is quite weird la. wasnt sure how to straighten the muscle. bent it the wrong way, which made it hurt more :(
but now i know!

omg bored. im so bored i almost feel like reading my lecture notes.
there's something very wrong with, eh?

mum likes celine dion.
dad has one of her CDs in the car.
ok. i agree Celine Dion can sing. she's got pretty strong vocals and all but I CANT STAND LISTENING TO THE WHOLE ALBUM in one sitting!
she and ronan keating seem to sing the same way. u know. like sort of nasal. i don't know how else to describe. i like ronan keating more, maybe because ive never heard a full album of his. HAHA or maybe cuz i prefer male vocals. or maybe cuz Ronan doesnt shriek like Celine.

oh yes. the shrieking.

that must be it.

and a second thing
she sings pop songs. is that the right genre? and i find the lyrics on some of the songs downright ridiculous. 'i drove all night' is one that comes to mind. my thoughts are, hello? wtf? are u outta your mind?

lyrics aside, i don't like the arrangements either. it just aint the same without guitars.
i realised some of the songs were just drums, her shrieking, and a variety of weird sounds that i cant tell are from which crazy ass instruments,.i can only say they are digital! and i can't stand that!

ok thats all about celine dion.

back in poly year.......something, kinmeng lent me a few CDs he burnt. in them were songs by Cradle of Filth, the Smashing Pumpkins, Marilyn Manson, and 1 or 2 more i didnt identify.
i just added songs i liked to my library la.

today i found out one of those songs was Angel with the Scabbed Wings, by Marilyn Manson.
i can hardly hear what he's saying, but just googling 'rock and roll sores' will lead u straight to the lyrics.
marilyn manson got er........ special kind of style. sometimes it is nice, other times it is just downright strange. :)

i havent heard many MM songs, but so far i find them quite hmmmm nice? not the kind of nice i can listen to the whole day. it would probably make me a very tense person. but theyve got pretty good rhythm, i think, and the songs are kinda catchy.

i don't recommend my friends to watch this vid, cuz i know none of you will like MM la!

ah. nothing beats a bath.

i was too tired to blog last night
and i had one devil of a headache. moving around made my head throb so much my face was screwed up in oh-my-god-pain. hahahaha i couldnt fully enjoy the super cheap dinner we had, which comprised fried eel, chicken in some kind of rice wine, veg, and tofu! all that for SGD18.50! oh, that was in JB, of course. the lady there remembered us!
before dinner we'd driven up to muar and batupahat.
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr there were many u-turns. hahahahaha
probably used 80% of a full tank of gas.
but, petrol is cheap in msia! hahaha wth.
this time we avoided the public holiday jam by leaving at 615am! which meant i woke at 5am ^^
there was a short queue at woodlands checkpoint though. but probably only 10minutes?

theyre thinking of going again tmr...