Thirteen Rabbits

oh no oh no oh no

no one is home
so it's the only time i can turn up the volume
but but but but one very dangerous side effect of turning up the volume
is being able to hear the bass. oh the bass. the bass. the bass.
it tugs on my heart and makes my fingers itch

...it is a pity i am not going out

yay my levator is normal. most of the time i feel like my eyes are half closed. and i swear, they really are smaller than they should be. not half the 'normal' size, but still, it is significant!
most days i don't know why, my right lid is slightly lower than the left.
and then on days im lucky, they are equal!

see i knew it. i knew i wasnt just imagining things when i felt my eyes were tired and droopy all the time.

i don't think this has anything to do with how many hours i sleep though. because i am a little tired now. slept at 6am. mum burst into my room at 1130am announcing LUNCH!! and again at 1230pm WAKE UP ALREADY!!

ok back to studying. it is amazing how i can read notes that ive gone through so many times and still find some new information

can you believe ive got trouble differentiating 'renal' and 'hepatic'?
damn.
why cant they just say kidney and liver?!

ive taken to pacing around the house while reading my notes and talking to myself. i believe it helps me remember things better. but i really feel like a crazy person

anyway... there's something strange about the computer.

either im hitting keyboard shortcuts that i nv knew existed, or my keyboard is wonky...
i just increased the volume of media player without touching the volume dial.
i am a miracle worker!

only one meal for me today because i woke up at 2pm.
had 'lunch' around 4pm.
and my parents don't feel like having dinner.

whoa i kinda understand visual field defects now. fingers crossed i'll still remember it after 12hours!

yayyyyyyy i have simplified the neuro-ophthalmology lecture to uh.. very few things, skipping all that anatomy rubbish. now it's just congenital+acquired causes of cranial nerve 3/4/6 palsies, and their special syndromes! :S

i hope i have not oversimplified, as i am wont to do
:S :S :S :S :S

i hope my intuition is accurate man. some days it's just way off. like yesterday, when i was playing scratch and win on facebook. damn double or nothing.

whoa i just realised the reason why i always feel there's something blocking (almost half of) my superior visual field is my eyelashes. i should curl them. im positive it will make a significant difference.
HAHA!

glaukomflecken
iris atrophy
cortical cataract
irregular pupil
PAS

and adenovirus 8, 19 are responsible for epidemic viral keratoconjunctivitis.

omgomgomgomg
friday already?!?!!?!
wth? where did the week go????????

Antidepressants only marginally better than placebo??!!

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/727323?sssdmh=dm1.633694&src=nldne&uac=143990BX

today hasnt been a totally useless day
as i said last week
revision is a waiting game
when enough time passes, things will fall into place nicely

and today sth clicked.

still
i am so sick of low vision.

*

i noticed the things ppl post on facebook (status updates) are so emo. ohmygod people, if u lower your expectations (better yet, have no expectations) of others, u will not be disappointed! save yourself all that anguish! alternatively, eat more fish! it seems like people think they are living in an ideal world! they expect everything to be perfect! except things arent going perfectly so theyre all flipping out! hahahahha! it is quite amusing to watch. it's always the same people..

anyway

i don't understand why people keep complaining about how horrible living in singapore is.
it really isnt that expensive. i actually think it is quite cheap. im so happy i can get a decent lunch for $2.50-ish . well, who would say no to cheapER? the government isnt that oppressive (what are you going to do with all that 'freedom' anyway? can u run the country better?). local TV is rubbish but thank god for cable and internet. we've got wonderful public transport though it is crowded at times (but how many cities are squeeze-free?) im just glad i don't have to wait 1hr for the bus. people are a little unfriendly but a big part of it is the whole conservative asian thing, i think. people could be a lot more courteous/ gracious. that takes time and with the influx of foreigners and their own quirks, i think the authorities have a lot of work to do.
my only complaint is it's too hot and humid and too small. tiny. overcrowded. i want to live somewhere with wide open spaces. :( i don't want to hear my neighbours arguing. i don't want to hear my neighbours' dogs barking. i don't want to hear them talking on the phone. i don't want to hear their radios, or hear them yell GOALLLLLLL during the world cup. i don't want to hear children playing. i don't want to hear babies crying. of course, i also don't want them to hear my horrible sing-alongs to AKFG. most of all, i want to see a vast expanse of sky. nothing beats the night sky.
if singapore was further from the equator and like 1000x larger it would be perfect. (haha that's so not singapore)
we can afford to manufacture more so things can be cheaper!!

i do notice something amusing tho. while locals like to complain and complain and complain, when it comes to national day, everyone becomes a patriot.

i need to study. stop playing games. stop doodling on the screen. i am never gonna beat the stupid computer at chess.

i hate how the computer knows exactly what im planning to do.

new PC. new PC. new PC. 23inch HD screen. 23inch HD screen. 23inch HD screen. almost a 10inch improvement from the laptop. finally can see the screen without my spectacles AND without having to lean forward! feels a little like being a low vision patient. wow. my parents are so good to me. not because they bought me this PC but because they'll send me to sch-related things that happen over the weekend.

so sian so sian! another week has passed
revision has been excruciatingly slow-going this week!
the horror!

:(

this is so vexing!!!!
i hate it when my notes don't make sense!!!!
after all the papers ive sat for, i realise that revision is a waiting game. in the beginning i am clueless. but i can only keep reading and dwelling on it. when sufficient time passes, all of a sudden something clicks and everything falls into place. or nothing happens and i enter the exam hall hoping whatever i don't get won't be in the paper.

most of the time, i don't understand the notes because i fell asleep in class. and it's not like i can help it. makes me appreciate that 4 hours of sleep really isnt enough for a 4hour clinic + 5hr lecture day especially when the last lecture ends at 7pm. when im sleepy it is impossible to stay awake cuz my mind's a buzz and my eyes are crossed and even though i try so hard to listen, i only hear. and nothing makes sense. it doesnt help that lecturers tend to fall into the following categories:
1) has a hypnotic voice that will make students drowsy after 10minutes.
2) has so much info to squeeze in 3 hours she speeds on a like a bullet train so i can't keep up so i switch off.
3) is really just presenting something really boring.
4) doesnt speak in complete sentences. i get the feeling that this lecturer relies a lot on telepathy.
5) makes really lousy notes
6) simply, arent that good at explaining things.

i know it's not nice to complain abt them, but i think this is justified. there are good ones, and there are really good ones that i would vote for if they joined politics/that i would hope were my doctors if i ever needed eye surgery, and then there are lousy ones. to be honest, i can only think of 1 full time lecturer who speaks well and has good notes and can keep my attention for 2 hours. the rest of them are guest lecturers (ie the ophthalmologists) although there are one or two who totally lost the class (or was it just me?) somewhere at the optic nerve head.

1am is a lot better than < 11pm
it is so much more quiet. no more screaming children - they are fast asleep
no more chatting adults - most of them are sleeping too.
no more chatter. no more screaming. no more laughing. no more tvs, no more radio. no more traffic. and the last train has left the station so it's quiet too!
calm and quiet and cool. how nice.

im curious to know how many hours i spend on this chair every day. time flies when revising. it's like one hour per lecture!
i feel sorry for my eyes

enough low vision!

the best thing about studying is im so busy i don't even think about food, i don't even feel hungry.
the bad thing about studying is ciliary muscle spasm
the worst thing about studying at night are the insects that are attracted to my lamp. the little green ones will bite, too

i am very content at this moment because low vision is making sense, the sky is overcast so it isnt too bright, the wind is cool and not too strong so my notes arent flying all over the place, and my parents have been considerate, watching tv in their room so they don't disturb me.

i am studying for ocular disease. a lecture on cranial nerve palsies and nystagmus.
i must admit i have no idea what the hell is going on. i might as well be reading japanese. or chinese.
did u know cranial nerves originate in paired nuclei within the midbrain and pons? axons course as fascicles through the brainstem parenchyma, then run for variable distances in the subarachnoid space, passes through the cavernous sinus, and enter the orbit to supply the EOMs

and the oculomotor nerve enters the subarachnoid space forwards and laterally between the PCA (posterior cerebral artery) above and SCeA (i think that means superior cerebellar artery) below to run briefly alongside the PComA?

i didnt know that. and even though i have an image of a skinny nerve falling from the sky onto a field thats supposed to be the subarachnoid space and it's running next to his buddy the posterior communicating artery, i know absolutely nothing is going to be retained in my brain.
or maybe i will, because that skinny nerve just looks so comical in my imagination..

i only pray that the professor is a really nice person (actually he is. an unassuming kind of guy) and he put in all that info just For our info, and the only thing he expects us to know for the exam is how to recognise congenital nystagmus, because no treatment is needed for that, and anyone who comes in with a third nerve palsy must be sent for a scan asap because it might be an aneurysm.
i guess PCerebralA, SCerebellarA, PCommA arent such good buddies with skinny ol' third nerve after all.

oh wow. i just got to the end of the lecture on nystagmus and i'm very glad. congenital nystagmus is really short!

C onvergence and eye closure reduces nystag
O scillopsia absent
N ull point possible
G aze direction may change nystag direction
E qual movements in OU (conjugate)
N ear VA better than distace VA cuz nystag less in convergence
I nverted OKN response
T orticollis possible
A bsent in sleep
L atent nystag possible

this better be an exam question!!

the other day an auntie shot me a very cross look on the train.
i saw her staring at my boots, then when she met my eyes she frowned. a very deep very cross frown. i couldnt decide if she was frowning at my boots (cuz people tend to judge by appearance. and i wear too much black for anyone to think im not just another school dropout) or because i didnt give up my seat 'to someone who needs it more'
i was going to ask her if she wanted my seat, but when she frowned i decided the old witch could continue standing. it's not like she was a frail old woman. even if she were i rather not give my seat up to someone so unpleasant.

some people, not just old ones, will be treated a lot better if they were nicer.

i rmb that time i was in secondary school waiting for the bus. the bus had just arrived so i didnt bother joining the queue. i just stood at the side waiting for the rest to board. then this 40something yr old asshole says 'can't you join the queue?!' again with a very cross look on his face.
and in my head i was going WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF it's not like i was jumping the queue!! DO I LOOK LIKE IM SQUEEZING TO GET UP THE BUS? IM WAITING HERE CANT U SEE U BLIND PIECE OF SHIT? ' and it was a doubledecker bus so there were PLENTY of seats and not so many passengers anyway! and right before my eyes was an old granny boarding the bus - and yes she wasnt in the queue. the injustice!
well i didnt argue with him cuz i was too timid. what a waste.

see? see? double standards! young people get bullied while no one dares to correct old farts!

after so many years i still feel indignant
im going to make it a point to just tell people off when im not in the wrong. im not going to stand for this bullshit!

a very good day at the hospital today! 8 patients! yay!

i had a very pleasant dream. i was swimming in the ocean. it was a nice calm ocean. in fact, it didnt feel very deep. perhaps it was a 2metre deep ocean. but it was really blue, and i had conveniently left out all sorts of marine life in my dream (otherwise it wldve been a nightmare). so it was just a calm blue body of water. but it was an ocean. and i had fun swimming.

and then i was sort of skating in 1-foot deep water. to a restaurant in a mall in the middle of the ocean in the middle of nowhere.

so wonderful, my dreamworld.

oh my
for a split second i thought the people i knew were so very very boring. so boring that a heavy feeling of fatigue seemed to wash over me. it was depressing and tugged at the very depths of my soul. probably.